Monday, December 12, 2011

The year in review + the first Twits & Tweets

2010 was an overrated puddle of saturated nothingness, a year so crap that a FIFA World Cup couldn’t rescue it from the sheer illicitness of its fuckery. I lived in Muizenberg (a place so rife with car break-ins that people would rather brave the shark-infested waters on a plank than drive), I spent the majority of the year looking for a job and life in general just sort of went nowhere for a while. God had a lot to make up to me for because of 2010.

I take cash and zombie fortresses.
I’m happy to report that 2011 has been spectacular by comparison to the 365 days of wack that came before. In no particular order, I landed my dream job (and have been promptly disillusioned by it – such is life), got engaged to a wonderful woman (yay!), published ads across the media spectrum (including TV and radio), finally untangled what Twitter is about, lost my soul to 9GAG and of course launched Ninja Abridged – the blog you are currently reading in case you thought you were on Cape Town Girl and you’re wondering where the free stuff section is.
You can get 1+ internetz (no not ADSL) if you behave.
Running Ninja Abridged has been nothing short of epic. I’ve made awesome friends because of it. I got to attend a blogger convention at the Granddaddy Hotel (where I hung out with Brett of These Creases). Most of all Ninja Abridged has given me an avenue to write in the style and the language that I love. I’ve dabbled in art, music, sport and videogames (again in no particular order) but writing is something I’ve always loved – I’ve been doing it since I was 8 year old – an age where I struggled to tell the time, let alone tie my own shoelaces.
Don't blame me. Blame the alien that gave us Velcro.
And Ninja Abridged isn’t just about artistic prose (was it ever about that?) – it’s about deviant logic and roundhouse-kicking sense into people because of the stupidity that goes down on their collective watch every day. I’ve gotten nothing but support for doing this and that speaks volumes about the intelligence level of about 100 or so people. The rest of you I’m not so sure about.

If you're reading this, you're not one of them :D
If Cape Town has holy cows then this blog has been the 10 Commandments and they knew my blog was Ninja Abridged when I laid my vengeance upon them. In my previous post, I took Cape Town’s favourite table-shaped geographical relic and trolled the shit out of it – something that most members of this place’s extremely influential blogger community would never do. Regarding that, I image-searched "the fuck I give" on Google and this is what came up in full HD resolution:

Live and in living colour.
Another thing I’ve done in 2011, albeit quite recently, is extend this blog’s trolling spirit into Twitter (follow me @ninja_abridged or follow somebody else @somebodyelse). Let’s review a couple of these Twitter trolls in something I call Twits & Tweets – hopefully it will become a feature of Ninja Abridged.

On Black Tuesday, Tweeps were Tweeting (as Tweeps do) that the Secrecy Bill is a travesty and we’re a democracy and this is bullshit etc – your typical Capetonian anti-ANC, masked racism usual fair. Of course the Secrecy Bill is bullshit, there’s no denying it – but we should have protested from back when the bill was announced – not on the day it’s actually passed in parliament! Talk about making you late.

Ek se.
I think parliament is in Cape Town because Capetonians are the masters of NOT being the change they want to see. I mean we’d have burned the houses down if Parliament was in Polokwane. Hell, if I was in charge, I’d have put Black Tuesday in the hands of PAGAD. Think about it: flyers made with Powerpoint, MPs rolling around in flaming black tyres while being shot at. It would have been beautiful.

Anyway, on Black Tuesday, a Twitter follower who dreams of one day moving to CT (yeah, aim high) and generally only ever speaks about herself and how amazing she thinks she is, was particularly outspoken regarding the secrecy bill. I gave her an A for sentiment, a D for consistency and an F for believability.

All good marks considering you failed at life.
When you spend 364 days of the year being an emaciated, giggling tart who spreads facepalms like its your superpower and then spend the rest acting like you give a damn, it’s obvious you’re doing it because it’s the “cool” thing to do. I often talk about the fucks I don’t give but I’ve never claimed to not give a shit – there is a difference after all. Also, slacktivism is forgivable considering the demands of society – bandwagon slacktivism, on the other hand, warrants lobotomy. And that’s the bottom line.

Because Stone Cold said so.
Of course I don’t stop at politics. Deadmau5 came to Cape Town and people went berserk. I swear, the way people carried on on Twitter, you would think it was Steven Biko under that mouse mask. But he’s not Steven Biko at all. No, this guy is so good that people who have never even heard of him or his music are suddenly the world’s biggest fans – Mau5keteers if you will. These dumbasses (parents - all the concert attendees seemed to be aged 14) paid something like R400 to see his concert

"I can't wait 'til he's a preteen on ecstacy!"
“The greatest trance DJ in the world” they called him. You know what I called him? I called him Dead Mao Five, that’s what I called him. Did you know that almost every single international trance DJ to visit South Africa has been called the best trance DJ in the world between now and back in ‘97? And those endorsements came from people in the scene. Deadmau5' endorsement came from a radio DJ – the sort that would lie to your face and tell you Lil Wayne is the best rapper alive.

...and that he's a legitimate rockstar.
Let me tell you that in my short lifetime all of Oakenfold, Paul van Dyk, Lisa Lashes, Rachel Auburn and Guyver among countless others, have been called the best in the world. Admittedly, Mr Van Dyk and Mr Oakenfold are visionaries but the rest of the DJs on this list were the best at making trance like wool is the best substance for making jerseys. Incidentally, if you believe Deadmau5 is the best, wool is also the stuff that has been pulled over your eyes.

You sheep.
Firstly, ALL TRANCE SOUNDS EXACTLY THE SAME AS IT DID 10 YEARS AGO. Secondly, you can’t measure dance DJing! Where’s the Grandmaster Flash skill? Where’s the art that Jazzy Jeff - he of Fresh Prince fame – brought to the turntable? Where are the scratches and the slices of local legend Reddy D? I don’t mind trance – it can be amazing – but when it comes to the DJs, it’s a game of who has the best music libraries. ie. Deadmau5 has better LPs than the next guy.

Behold the skillz
I am overtrolling here - I admit that I am. Look, I honestly have no doubt that the man known as Deadmau5 is a brilliant practitioner of all things trance but if you're going to overhype something or someone, consider how annoying it can be to other people and how you can actually end up making them hate something because it reminds them of you. To me, you Mau5keteers are just more Twilight fangirls to throw stones at.

That is all.

Make this movie. I'd buy the Blu Ray.

So what a year – I’ve trashed Powerbalance, VitaminWater and Will.I.Am. I made fun of Helen Zille using a Michael Jackon song (DA supporters adored it though) and voiced my support regarding the skill of Taxi drivers. I also should reiterate that I attacked TABLE MOUNTAIN for crying out loud – I put a goddamn trollface on it. For that I deserve some sort of trophy I think.

As long as the trophy has a trollface on it.
I’m so proud of what I’ve accomplished with Ninja Abridged – keeping it updated and at least trying to keep it fresh. I’ve turned this blog into a voice of reason in a city, country, continent and world gone mad. That I’m the only person who sees it that way is entirely irrelevant because as stated twice in this blog already ...

Maybe I'm the one who's gone mad? IMPOSSIBRU!
2012 will be a year of more gratuitous articles, more meme exploitation and best of all: much, much more trolling. Long may it continue. Happy Holidays ninjafags. Until next time, ninja vanish.

And a Happy New Year!