Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Cape Town Taxis – Greatest Drivers EVER!

For anybody who is lucky enough to live in Cape Town, the headline of this article would sound like complete and utter meth/cokespeak (meth/cokespeak is nonsense that people intellectualize when high on meth or coke). You’d have a point too - how could the person who ignores every rule of the road, stops to pick up passengers wherever he wants (including right in the middle of a roundabout/circle) and uses a spanner for a steering wheel ever be a great driver?
I knew I'd find an example on ThereIFixedIt.com

Let's take a moment to consider the facts: Taxi drivers hurtle at top speed, on a (vaguely) pre-meditated route whilst weaving between cars and bikes and whatever other flotsam and jetsam are scattered about. They do this for hours - all day if need be - basically driving around in a circuit.

You know what that is? That's a racing driver!
Taxi drivers wake up in the morning and piss excellence.
Airyton Senna, the greatest F1 driver of all time, was known to overtake 6 or 7 cars a lap. When taxis do it - we flip out! Why? What we should do, is stop our cars, turn our radios off and take a moment to absorb the infiniteness of their magnificence.

I mean, we praise racecar drivers like they're driving deities and do you know what every single F1 driver worth his salt has in common (besides being an F1 driver)? Accidents. That's right. They've all crashed, collided and spun their way into the annals of several thousand jpegs with the headline "FAIL."
"Told you I'd make 4chan.org one day, Jenson! You owe me 50 quid you tosser!"

Now, when last have you seen a taxi overturned on the highway?

I can't think of a single time either! Yes, I've seen cars overturned because of taxis but I've never seen a taxi overturned! And I'm from the CAPE FLATS!

I know Taxis don't go as fast as F1 cars but they're huge things, filled with people and a small fortune in sound equipment. I've seen taxis shoot passed me on the highway and I was going 160 kmph at the time. I've seen taxis navigate the scariest of twisty mountain roads at speed and without so much as hint of loss of control.

Anybody who knows anything about the way cars work would tell you about the importance of weight, aerodynamics, downforce, chassis, brakes, suspension and engine-power in the pursuit of performance. Formula 1 cars represent the epitome of all of this yet the drivers still crash like Matt Dillon and Thandi Newton

What has been fucked cannot be unfucked.

Seeing as how taxis are heavy, have the aerodynamics of a cardboard box, a chassis from a horse-drawn cart and shit brakes, springs and engines, it's near impossible for normal drivers to do what taxi drivers can do.

These guys are properly skilled drivers of the highest order, They do amazing things with a machine that is not amazing. Instead of being a sheep and hating them, we should praise them. They work for very little, probably for a boss with a glass eye (made of a lightbulb with some tik inside), stitches on his face, a 28 tattoo on his scrotum and a nickname like "Hol-Skuif."  

DO NOT free this man. He says he can fuck a man from the front.

Anyway, there are worse people out there than Taxi drivers. Bus-drivers have all the fearlessness of their mini-cab mastering counterparts with a vehicle 7 times the size and none of the skill. Furthermore, they're the only people in the world who get their own lane and they still use all the others out of selfish desire and addiction to spreading misery. They're honestly worse than home affairs.