Thursday, February 3, 2011

Hosni Mubarak. Consequences will never be the same!

We can learn a lot from the Egyptian people right now.

They’re sick of being pushed around by an ineffective bunch of military generals and they’re striking back. For Hosni Mubarak and his regime, consequences will never be the same. My god I love memes.

That's right, Mr Mubarak.

Seriously though, this is one of the most inspiring stories of our time - the first time oppressed peoples in Egypt have made some noise since... well since Moses. I consider this to be a genuine surprise on this colourful continent called Africa. We can only hope it’ll inspire a fad.

Starting with Zimbabwe.

I haven’t been to Egypt yet. I know people that have though. The general consensus is that there are Pyramids, a nose-less Sphinx (seriously, where the hell is it?) and the rest is just really dust, bad drivers and people who exist to rip you off.

This is quite a bad issue. People want a tip from tourists for doing anything and everything in Egypt. I'm not talking about serving you food or shining your shoes - that's expected - I'm talking about general politeness like keeping a door open or NOT stopping you at the airport for nothing. (the police love this.) This equates to levels of annoyance previously untapped by other members of the mammal community.

For example, you know that Chappelle's Show episode where he visits the internet like it's a real place and there's an Arab dude who follows him around? It's just like that - only a billion times more irritating and not half as funny.

More annoying that this fuck.

Of course this isn't an Egyptian problem - it's an economic problem. People in Egypt are generally pretty poor. In fact the only thing poorer than the people is the human rights record. Because like everything in life that can be measured, an index exists for Human Rights. According to this index, Egypt gets 5.5.

I can't explain how this is measured exactly but what I do know is that if the World's nations were schoolkids and human rights records were grades, Egypt - with a Humans Rights score of 5.5 - would be an illiterate, dirty, ugly kid with kwashiorkor in the corner getting Fs for everything.

Of course other Arab countries can gloss over their terrible human rights record just by having oil and Bugatti Veyron Police squad cars.

Who needs human rights when your police force move 420 km/h.

But Egypt doesn't have oil or Bugatti Veyron police cars. They have sand and a bunch of cars they bought from the old Soviet Union. Plus, the one thing about Egypt that people actually like are the alien artifacts they have lying around but they can't even run that shit properly enough.

It's not even hard - Cape Town have been riding the payoff generated by a giant lump of rock for decades and Table Mountain isn't even that interesting - it just kinda resembles a Table! Egypt has mathematically perfect things that could have been built by Aliens for fuck sake! One looks like a giant cat/human hybrid demon thing without a nose!

Pinnochio. Weird fucker.

I predict it's going to take a lot of rebuilding to get this place up to scratch. They haven't been OK since the days of King Tut and we're all too quick to forget that the current regime came into power by revolution too.

Whether the next bunch fuck it up too remains to be seen. This is Africa after all and if we've learned anything in Africa, it's that revolution against assholes only begets bigger assholes. You do get the sense, nevertheless, that Hosni Mubarak is one guy most would be particularly glad to see the back of.

I also reckon most would like to see him attached to a volcano.

Of his many accomplishments, his greatest hits include the imprisonment of political figures & young activists without trial, illegal undocumented hidden detention facilities (seriously? wtf.) and rejecting universities, mosques, newspapers staff members based on political inclination. This dude takes dictatorship backs to the stone age - I mean at least Hitler brought wealth to his people!

Anyway. He's gone. Fuck him.