Monday, June 6, 2011

Music's Murderers | Part 1 | Will.I.Am.Really.Kak

This article is the first in a series I call Music's Murderers - a little something I thought up whilst caught in the unforgiving yet slack jaws of writer's block. I'll use the Music's Murderer's space (or imprint if you will) to smear hate all over musical artists I feel are destroying the musical industry with terrible lyrics and shenanigans. Why am I doing this? Because I like to make people feel bad about liking dumb shit. Anyway, without further ado...

My hatred of all things (and by proxy, Stacy Ferguson and then also by proxy, the two troll-looking fuckers who hang out with them) is well known. For me, represents some of the very worst aspects of today's music. That's a pretty bold claim I know - music contains such abominably rancid acts as Crazy Town (Linkin Park, Papa Roach and Limp Bizkit - with rabies), Enrique "El D-bag" Iglesias Justine Bieber and of course the sonic equivalent of sweaty intercourse with a piledriver himself - Soulja Boy.

I still think this is funny.
So this blog is grilling That's the way I'm doing it. That's the way I roll. If you happen to be a fan of - if you're among the many who believe "I Got a Feeling" is anthem that encapsulates the spirit of the 21st century - if you think the man is a visionary performer and producer - then you should be reading fucking Perez Hilton or something stupid like that. Fuck is wrong witchu?

I'd read the shit out of this.
The reason I detest with the force of a million exploding suns is mostly because I'm an habitual hater and linestepper. It's also because this douche's status in the collective eye of the global village doesn't match the product he's been putting out. Some hipster Hip Hoppers (they do exist - they listen to Immortal Technique) might argue that I should listen to BEP's more underground shit before Fergie came along "because that shit was like REAL, bro!" My counter-argument is "no, I shouldn't." Because as far as I'm concerned BEP was always shit. And that's that.

Panda puking rainbow laser. Your argument is invalid.
Habitual hater I may be, but I can of course acknowledge will.i,am's accomplishments, invalid as they are, in retrospect. People call him a visionary producer who creates music that encapsulates several genres, infused with multiple layers of etc etc. People say he has excellent style, dressing his way and doing his thang etc etc. People say he's an inspired rapper (srsly?) with dynamic flow and a unique style so reminiscent of etc. All very nice.

This. Is a douche.

Here's what I say:

His production is shit - nonsensical, over-edited, too much FX, formless, broken, lacking in any logical flow and wrought to the fucking rafters with Autotune. Seriously. If I was a respectable artist I wouldn't want to work with him at all. It'd be hella confusing. One minute you're singing a hip hop song and then suddenly BAM you're all the way in Bjork-land chanting and chattering like an LSD-saturated monkey monk. I'd be like "why'd you change the backing track you BLACK EYED POES!"

What a BEP song sounds like.
Secondly, his style is shit - consisting mainly of prancing about the stage overdressed, wearing a shirt as pants, Palestine scarves and 40s military garb. Seriously, what's up with the look You studied fashion design in the 80s or something. The fact that your fashion line has only launched in 2005 (2 years AFTER you got properly famous) should tell you something about your clothing. Now you got kids wanting to wear really ugly sunglasses and go about their daily life looking like Ali Baba and the 40 Gestapo... I Got a Feeling, that your dress sense is kak Will.

He wears a shirt as pants. That's the biggest fuck I've seen not given.
Last but not yeast, his lyrics are shit: uninspired, cheesy, basically sounds like he says the first rhyming thing that pops into his head. Eg. "Honey got a sexy on steamin | She givin hotness a new meanin | Perfection mama you gleamin | Inception you got a brother dreamin dreamin - note the repetition. Is it just me, or is this the lyrical equivalent of DOOM: REPERCUSSIONS OF EVIL?

Click and laugh.
 Here's what I'm talking about. An entirely quotoed, un-made-up piece of textual literature:
"If a line lacks the syllables to sound rhythmically correct, no problem - just mis-pronounce it or say it more than once. If it doesn't make sense that's even better and try to spell the words out like I did in Fergielicious - people love that shit."
- Direct excerpt from the book of lyricism.
"What's wrong with that?"
 I could go on for a thousand hours about how he's sold out and how him and his merry band are the poster-children for trans-humanist eugenics (Vigilant Citizen, what.) and how he resembles and performs like a really bad Wyclef Jean clone ... but I won't because those kinds of things have been discussed at length by many-a-writer already.

Cyborg costumes = Illuminati agenda
Instead I'll say that BEP frontwoman, Stacy Ferguson used to be hooked on meth. That's right tik - the wana - the choof-nami.

"I'm so three-thousand-and-eight
Give me some choof, jou vark muit".  
Catch you on the flipside Shinobi-atches.