Monday, June 20, 2011

Dipprasad Pun: The Gurkha Berserker

In the entertaining yet endlessly appalling world military action movies, it is not uncommon for some bare-chested All-American (or Austrian American or Italian American) to slaughter entire generations of A-Rabs with gratuitous confidence and a tendency to not get hit himself. Result? Military actions flicks are mind-numbingly stupid and penis-numbingly emasculating.

So straight he went straight-to-video

Of course, as rational human beings, we know that one man committing mass genocide in one theatre of war is impossible. There are a million factors to consider before charging headlong and all by yourself, at a bunch of guys who want you to co-star with a chair and a butter knife in 8MM 3: FUCK AMERIKA.

Asalaam wa'alakum. Fuck Amerika. That is all.
Trivial concepts like “being outnumbered”, “running out of ammo” and “having even the slightest sense of self-preservation” are all contributory factors in why there are no cases of real life Rambos, Commandos or Cobras in existence. Even if there was such a person, he wouldn’t be American. He just couldn’t be!

Ever been so mad inbred that you made misspelled a sign?
The probability of an honest-to-goodness badass coming from a country where there are so many opportunities to be reaped is almost nonexistent. Apart from an accent, the ingredients for badassery don’t exist in the USA. And please don’t give me nonsense about “The Projects” and it’s hard to survive on the “Streets” or “D-Block” or any of that crap. Come visit a Brazilian Favella or the Cape Flats in South Africa – you might see some shit.

Hothhhhe. Jou ma thhhhe poethhhhe!
So now we know the true badass can’t be distilled from an American gene pool - Enter Dipprasad Pun a Gurkha serving in the British Gurkha Brigade. If Chuck Norris was taller, handsomer and more dangerous, he’d be Dipprasad Pun.

I'll fuck you up, yo.

Now, the Gurkha are a people from Nepal... which is in the Himalayas... which is a snowy-as-fuck cold-assed place... where going for a walk is carrying a Yak up Everest. The Gurkhas, don’t carry Yaks up Everest. No, those tennis-racquet shoe-wearing peeps are the normal people of Nepal and they’re actually pretty timid – practice Hinduism, don’t eat meat, all that hipster shit.

The hipster-as-hell Nepal Hat. Case rested.

The Gurkhas, on the other hand are some sort of warrior-caste – like the Samurai of Japan, the Mamluk of Turkey or the Inbred Redkneck of North America. They eat lightning and then piss & shit mayhem & discord wherever they go. One Gurkha is equivalent to a million Black Cats all crossing your path at once before clawing your balls off. As Wikipedia will tell you, a former Chief of staff of the Indian Army, named Sam Manekshaw, once famously said: “if a man says he is not afraid of dying, he is either lying or is a Gurkha.”

A pack of actual Gurkha. With scouters and battle armour.
Every warrior-caste must have a signature weapon. History tells us so - and so do comic books. The Zulus carried Assegai Spears, The Kali carried Kris swords and The Green Lantern Corps carried Power Rings. The signature weapon of the Gurkha is a really nasty hooked-knife called a Kukri. It’s pronounced like it’s spelled - sounding suspiciously like Cookery - and it’s designed to fuck you up in the worst possible way. Of cause the Gurkha aren’t limited to using this blade – probably to make it fair for their enemies or something.

Any knife shaped like a banana will wreck some shit.

So as the Nepalese are awesome examples of the human race and the Gurkha in turn, are awesome examples of the Nepalese. Dipprasad Pun is an awesome example of the Gurkha. He’s an elite within an elite within an elite – ELITECEPTION – Oh yes I did.

The next panel is Cobb with a "Forever Alone" face.
What’s so amazingly awesome about Dipprasad Pun? He didn’t kill 1 taliban solider, he didn’t kill 5 – he didn’t kill 10. No, no, no ladies and gentlemen - Dipprasad Pun killed –wait for it- 30 highly trained Taliban solidiers - who had guns - all by himself.

Me, myself and I-raq... I mean Afghanistan.

Yes. He killed THIRTY trained killers in the space of a few minutes! I mean you’d have to be a bad motherfucker of Samuel-L.-Jackson-playing-Jules-in-Pulp-Fiction proportions to even kill 3 guys – let alone thirty. That’s hard to do in a videogame. Fuck, it’s hard to do in a videogame where you play a commando specifically trained to kill Arabs. I get sick when I eat 30 M&Ms - it’s both physically and digitally hard.

Solid Snake - who's never been impressed in his life - would be impressed.
Even I, someone of Arabic origin, can respect Mr Pun. His British allies were like, “Sorry our Nepalese chum, but we’re off to find a bird like the one of the cover of National Geographic. Good luck Punny. Tally ho. To the battle and all that. Pip pip! Wot.” and he was like “Whatever. Bitches”, puffing away on filterless Camels mixed with cocaine and snake venom (‘cos he’s cool like that.)

Camel Unfiltered: 'Cos Cancer's the only thing that can kill you.
They left him.


To defend some random spot.

In the middle of war-torn Afghanistan.

What ensued was something out of Metal Slug.
So naturally, the Taliban ambushed Pun, pelting his position with AK47 fire and salvo-upon-salvo of RPGs. (RPG means rocket propelled grenade – not role-playing game or red penis gene.) They destroyed his sentry-post (whatever the hell that is) and then he went into Gurkha Hulk Mode – or whatever Super-Saiyan like thing happens to the Gurkha when their soul reaping powers kick in.

I have no rival. No man can be my equal.

So Mr Pun started taking names. One by one. He used all manner of weapon – from various automatic rifles to grenades to claymore mines – racking up a personal bodycount to match Wolverine. He killed 30 guys. Holy shit! Can you imagine what a bunch of really, REALLY, superstitious and religious guys would dream about after seeing one man slice through their entire squad by himself? If they were asked to picture the devil, they’ll replay an image in their head of a slight Asian man.... BLUDGEONING ONE OF THEIR FRIENDS WITH A GUN TRIPOD.

Googled "Asian Devil" and got this. Seems legit.
True story – he used a fucking gun tripod. He used so much ammo massacring an entire squad of Taliban soldiers that he ran out and resorted to extolling the virtues of GBH with an object that is designed to hold weapons - not be one.

Unless the "Tripod" referred to is one of these.
I don’t support the war in Afghanistan, I don’t support the message behind it or any of that shit. I support a man who can fend off 30 armed soldiers –on their own turf- by himself and emerge with not so much as a scratch. Dipprasad Pun gets the “Dean Winchester Award” for pure and unadulterated achievement in the INFINITE WIN category – surely so much more precious than some sissy Purple Heart.
Gave that Asian savage a medal. Asian savages love medals.
So everybody raise a glass... OF BLOOD... for Dipprasad Pun: The Gurkha Berserker. Fuck yeah.

Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.