Monday, July 11, 2011

Kill Paedophiles with a MacBook Air

Before we begin I’d like to tell you that this article contains a lot of spoilers about a movie called Trust. If you’re planning on watching Trust, I don’t give a fuck so keep reading the fucking article. After reading you may be inclined to NOT watch Trust and watch an awesome movie like Taken instead... Just don’t watch I Spit on Your Grave... or The Human Centipede. I haven’t seen them but those movies sound fucked up. -NinjaK

You know how the entire Muslim world hates Israel and how Owen Wilson’s nose hates his face? Those things pale in comparison to the sheer force with which I loathe paedophiles. I hate them so much in fact that I felt the need to write this extensive article after watching a movie last night called Trust.

Very cool movie poster I think.
Trust stars Clive Owen. It tells the gut-wrenching story of a 14-year-old girl’s daily existence after being raped by a 35-year old sexual predator. I was like cool – it stars Clive Owen so there’s bound to be some British badassery chucked in there somewhere, right? ...Nope!

No badassery? *sigh* Okay.
What’s so gut-wrenching about this story is that that’s the entire story! A sexual predator grooms a child online, meets with her and gets her back to his hotel to force sex on her. The child’s parents do find out but instead of dad (Clive Owen) getting assassination lessons from a shark, an elephant rifle and attempting to hunt himself some pedobear, the movie ends in the same way as too many of these fucked up scenarios pan out in real life – with the villain getting away and the family in tatters. No fucking justice.

I want this game!
Kak one. For the entire movie I was anticipating the Clive Owen that I know and love (the one from Sin City and Shoot ‘em Up) to come to fore. You expect him to go around acquiring illegal weapons, researching the habits, hangouts and patterns of the pervert and then in a dramatic, rain-soaked and climactic finale, castrate the villain (balls n’ all) with a blunt, rusted object previously dipped in salt and Habanero Tabasco. And that’s how the film would end – with the soon-to-be-dickless bitch screaming into the night as Clive laughs like Dr Evil.

Muahahahahaha! Laugh with me!
So watching this entirely anti-climactic movie, I got to thinking about the vulnerability of children, the sheer amount of people who prey on them that exist and what I would do if faced with the situation that Clive Owen was faced with in the film. In other words: What would Liam Neeson do?

You see what I'm getting at here.
If Liam Neeson starred in Trust, the movie would be very, very different.

Firstly, Liam would notice that his sweet 14 year old girl is suddenly absorbed in her phone and her Mac. Clive didn’t think this peculiar (this lack of fatherly paranoia is probably why he saw it fit to buy a 14 year old girl an iPhone in the first place). Liam Neeson on the other hand, would have prepared accordingly the moment he discovered he was even having a girl. He’d have had a tracking device installed on her in utero. He’d also have a set of scream-activated metal teeth installed in her Vajayjay.

Last movie poster I promise!
Clive Owen only discovered what sorts of weird conversations his daughter was partaking in after the actual rape had occurred. Liam would have had transcripts of all of her chat conversations logged in size-20 Helvetica so as to ensure her safety and keep tabs on her activities. Before the daughter even discovered that the dude she was chatting to was older than he was letting on, Liam would have had the dude’s name, address, the daily whereabouts of members of the dude’s own family and keys (with spares) made so as to get into those places and kill some shit.

Hard to argue.
Clive was doing something I can’t recall (criticize these nuts) while his daughter headed to the mall to meet the paedophile. If it was Liam, by the time the daughter was ready to meet her would-be-attacker, he would have already been at the man’s hotel, ready to go to work with a pair of pliers and a blow torch.

You hear me hillbilly boy?
In the actual film, the 14-year old girl was extremely confused by the rape and actually falls in love with the man responsible. She lashes out at her parents for not understanding her and basically pushes anybody who tries to reason with her away - even her best friend. It's all the melodramatic "we're in love and nobody understand us because we smoke weed" teenage fluff ALA Thora Birch's character in American beauty - only taken all the way to 11. Liam Neeson would have taken all of that into account BEFORE allowing a stranger to meet his daughter. He would have intercepted the entire tryst like a boss and prevented all the subsequent drama from even occurring.
A gag within a gag. Jokeception.
If it was Liam Neeson, he would have caught the predator as he was about to leave the hotel and released the proverbial kraken upon him. A 20-minute, entirely one-sided yet unbelievably elaborate beatdown would ensue – no doubt involving cables, chairs, some random wooden sticks in sets if two and really quick punches. Liam would fuck the guy up, torture him, feed him his own testicles and then look for more things to moer him with because FUCK YOU that’s why!

The internet: where FUCK YOU is a valid excuse.
As the pervert would lay there, breathe-grunting on the floor a bloody, disfigured heap, Liam would look around the room for something lethal yet poetic. Suddenly he would notice - as Bruce Willis noticed the Katana in Pulp Fuction - a thin, essentially flat, metallic object glistening in the corner. It’d be 11-inches long and have a fearsome Apple logo emblazoned upon it. The Macbook Air.

Ooooh! Scary!
Liam Neeson would think to himself in that Liam Neeson way: “This computer is the means by which this monster was able to prey on my daughter and who knows how many other juveniles women. It’d therefore be quite poetic and indeed preferable (from my point of view anyway) to malice this man with this MacBook Air. It’s thin enough to be buried into his skull but also useless enough for it not to be missed afterwards - the perfect weapon. Perhaps I killed a Jedi and took it from him.”

Anything this thin can do lightsaber damage.
He’d then hit the paedophile repeatedly with the side of the MacBook Air. It wouldn’t be a full on image – more like a silhouette with blood splashing. Think Rorschach when he killed the child-killer with an axe and you have the right idea. He’d clean the mess, hide the body somewhere it’ll never be found, send a letter to the predator’s own family that he’s running away to join the “Bull Semen Drinkers’ Society” (for added post-death humilation) and then he’d meet his daughter in the predator’s stead.

Confused? See in the end of my version of Trust, the daughter would be crying and sad that she was stood up (not because of something a billion times worse). Liam will explain to her that maybe the boy wasn’t all that, and she should only date when he's too old to do anything about it. He’ll then take her out for ice cream, they'll laugh, she’ll recover from the heartbreak weeks later, believing that the guy she supposed to meet was just some lying prick all along who didn’t deserve her anyway.

It is ze perfect plan!
Liam would retire to his cognac, meth and cigars, smug in the knowledge that he saved his daughter from not only being molested but also a broken heart. He would also take pride in the fact that the entire middle and end of an otherwise unfulfilling movie would be nullified and replaced by sheer awesomeness. That's right - no mess, no fuss, a lot of senseless violence and no uncomfortable scenes with a 14-year-old in lingerie.

Picture unrelated. I'd never post a 14-year old in lingerie. Visit Guess Kids you pervert.

The End.

In a related story, the MacBook Air I just fixed broke this morning. What a piece of shit.