Thursday, March 24, 2011

VitaminWater - Your daily dose of nothing in particular.

Firstly, this is not a rant about the dodgy nutritional value of VitaminWater. We’ve all heard the story and it’s been pretty much confirmed by Coca Cola that the obesely popular beverage is NOT in fact a health drink. 
Unfortunately Vitamin Water ruins the health benefits of Vodka.
Coca Cola said (and I got some quotes up in this), "No consumer could reasonably be misled into thinking Vitamin Water was a healthy beverage.” Fine, but when you consider that the label literature reads something like: “Vitamins fuck yeah! A chock full of motherfucking Energy! Minerals to make you slap yo’ mama! Kilojoules shit yes...”, then you do kind of wonder what sort of miracle genius Jesus-clones consume this product.
Pixie Lott: Miracle Genius Jesus-Clone LOL
The product is also called VitaminWater. VITAMINWATER! It’s not like it’s a clever name like Quench or Sprite or Fellatio. No, it’s a very arithmetic Vitamin + Water. That means that you buy it and expect something along the lines of vitamins and water. It’s not like I can put a dirty dish in Dishwater and then when it doesn’t get clean, Sunlight call a press conference and say, “No consumer could reasonably be misled into thinking that Dish Water is for dishes.”  It’s cut and dry.
Sunlight DishWater: Try it.
Anyway, health is not the issue here. The issue here is that this cheaply made, lying piece of shit bottle costs like R20 or something. More importantly, it tastes like a melted ice lolly in brine, it tastes like they took about half a millilitre of Grape Drank, topped it up with tap water and then spat in it.
Sugar, water and of course purple.
Why is ShitaminWater so popular? It doesn’t taste very good, it’s not very refreshing and it’s expensive. Those three things are what I expect from a commercial beverage - fuck everything else. Flavour, refreshment and relative affordability are what I get when I buy a soft drink or juice and Glaceau (no I will not put the accent in there) haven’t delivered at all.  

Everybody who sees through the bullshit focuses on the questionable health aspect and not the flavour. Nobody gives a fuck about the health aspects! That’s why we do dumb shit every day, because we don’t give a fuck.
I don't remember his name but he's right.
Coke markets this malignant ooze as a daily dose. Really? You expect us to drink this ONCE A DAY every damn day at that price? What is it a daily dose of? You’ve already said it’s not a health product. Is it a daily dose of funny little jokey jokes on the side of the bottle? I’d rather buy Jokes for Change from the dancing guy on the M3 when turning to go to Claremont. Jokes for Change costs 50 Cent. Better yet it’s not endorsed by him.
The proceeds from Jokes for Change go toward the poor. Not rims.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from a lifetime of listening to hip hop, don’t listen to 50 Cent’s beverage endorsements. He raps that he drinks Dom Perignon and Cristal but he doesn’t because 50 Cent doesn’t actually drink. His first name is also Curtis.
I think this pic is hilarious.
What VitaminWater is, is another link in the chain I call “Hipster Stupidity”. This chain connects all fad-following fuckups in one huge, floral-scented, flannel-coated circle of bad decisions in the name of being It People.
An it person.
 See through the bullshit. There are awesome products out there like Blackberry, Redbull and Playsation 3. There are also apocalyptically kak products – like the PowerBalance band I once used to make my car fly, Reetone shoes and now VitaminWater. These products are designed to make you feel inadequate and they offer quick and (ultimately FAIL) fixes to answer your inadequacies. In the olden days, they did the same thing by blaming Commies and Jews - so by buying these products, you’re essentially blaming Jews.
Have you heard? Guilt is the new Share.
If you like the taste of VitaminWater, you’re a poor deluded fool who eats blue cheese, smokes cloves and hangs out la boulengerie sniffing faguettes... I mean baguettes. Forsake that lifestyle, forsake 50 Cent. 

Eat big burgers made of cow ass, listen to Lil Wayne and drink codeine cough sizzurp mixed with Sprite. It’s purple. 
Now you too can feel so fly like a G-6.