Thursday, April 7, 2011


They’re outside, the carrion
I can hear them groan
They ate up John and Marian
And somehow killed the phones
Possibly by constantly phoning sex lines.
What can I do? They’ll eat my brain
If I went outside to forage
But I need to go get food again
There’s not enough in storage
Someone understands.
I should have watched that Zombie flick
With the Social Network actor
I’m sure he had some sort of schtick
I no doubt could adopt here
What could it be?
“This is pretty fucking cool!”
Is what I would have reckoned
Before the Zombie outbreak hit
I’d be like “I Am Legend.”
Fuck yeah.
But no, my life is EPIC FAIL
Just like that movie’s ending
Oh look that one’s got sharpened nails
He’ll soon my flesh be rending.
No. I said 'Rending'... not 'Rendering.
Where is Campbell? Where the eff’s
The team of ninja agents?
And if they were so high on meth
I’d settle for some vagrants
Killing zombies isn't normal. But on crystal meth it is.
If I had a dirt-bike and
A couple of chainsaws
I’d attach it to the bike by hand
And slice through all these hordes
I finally got to use this pic.
One got in and I'm alarmed!
I guess I’ll try to fight it
Fuck. Oh fuck, he got my arm
Oh why’d I let him bite it?

1 hour 16 minutes?! The Oatmeal has no faith.
 Will I become a zombie man
Who shuffles about and slurs?
When you greet and shake my hand
I bite you and say “UUH!”
Some Zombies apparently go "MMMURG." The fuck?
But the virus doesn’t work on me
My body can dilute it
My story is the stuff of memes
I’ll Zangief Kid these mutants

He called me a Fatty. I called him an Ambulance.
 Like a Boss, outside I’ll stride
To take on these undead
And if they try to make me die

Bring it on.