Thursday, April 21, 2011

Blackberries = Transhumanism 1.0

I don’t have a Blackberry.

Shock! Horror!
I’m one of the few people to risk social abandonment and public ridicule by resisting the temptation to get one. Yes, I pride myself on being in the know with regard to all the new gadgets and gizmos and shit... but I’ve always been a bit of a late bloomer when it comes to phones. 

When it comes to phones, I'm the one on the left. Your left.
 Dunno why I’m like this with phones. I mean being “anti-mainstream” is only hitting the mainstream now, what with the hipster culture and all. Maybe I was some sort of rave-era hipster? A “ravester.” 

So I didn’t like the idea of getting a phone because it was too mainstream. Nevertheless, the first phone I ever bought was the Nokia NGage. My logic was absolute: If I was going to have to get a phone, it’d have to be phone and a hand-held videogame rolled into one device.

This is what I imagined. Fap.
Neverthless despite its promising premise, the NGage was actually monumentally kak as a phone. I mean its receiver was in the most awkwardly stupid place. Also, as awesome as having King of Fighters on your phone is, one can only kick Iori’s somewhat weird ass so many times...

Kyo pwns Iori. Got it IORIFAGS?
The damage was done however. I had become reliant on cellphones. Long story short, the phone of choice in South Africa these days is the Blackberry Curve. It’s fairly affordable... to parents as most 14 year olds will tell you. It also has BBM – which is like MXIT, but a bit more elitist. It’s also quite user-friendly for those of us feeling a bit... QWERTY.

QWERTY: The genius of being completely random.

I want an iPhone – only because it’s fucking rad. I can’t afford one though, so I’ve made up my mind to get a Blackberry for the free internet. I couldn’t give less of a flying kind of winged fuck about BBM because people hate me on the most part so it’s completely pointless to me.

Haters gonna hate.
 I’m also interested in being able to use Twitter properly and having a Blackberry makes that possible as one can update on the move. I’m eating sushi #NOW. I’m killing someone #NOW. I’m stashing the body #NOW I’m fapping #NOW... You get the gist.

Sure it was accidental.
Anyway, Twitter is pretty stupid unless you’re a celebrity, a sportsman or a girl who 78 guys want to sleep with. Lady's be careful.

Facebook is much worse I admit.
 What am I doing? I’m digressing like a motherfucker.

What turns me off about Blackberry is that people who own them always seem to be in two places at once. Walking around, eyes firmly planted downward, partaking in a no doubt engrossing conversation with some modest person named “*YourManWantsThisHotness69*.”

Catfish. Blackberry edition. Pun.
Nevertheless Blackberries in my mind are a signal that the winds of change are (for want of a better word) blowing. The Blackberry wind smells somewhat of fart mind you but don’t let that get in the way of what we’re on the cusp of.

Think about it. Having a Blackberry means being constantly jacked into the internet. It means having limitless communication with everybody who wants to talk to you. I’ve even heard woman say “OMG Ah cnt liv. mai Blkberi is brkn. What I gna du?”
Mariah Kitty.
These devices, originally named after a fruit (Problem, Macintosh?), can access the internet, keep you in contact with people and evidently, they can even SUSTAIN LIFE! Previously these were things that one could only do with gigametres of telephone wire, a computer and intravenous nutritional injections. Now it can be done with a goddamn phone! ASTOUNDING!  

Something else that's astounding.
And soon we’ll say that it’s too damn inconvenient to have to lug this heavy phone around and we’ll want it to be cybernetically grafted to our physiology like a bad movie called “Terminator Matrix in the Screamer Shell... Runner”. I want that! Fuck what the anti-Illuminati say. I want to be a big fuck off Cyborg. With red fucking eyes.

Dude. Pass the Safyr Blu.
Oh I can’t wait to get my cybernetic enhancements. I will call myself Ninjor and I shall be made of a blend of carbon fibre and titanium (CARBOTANIUM – like a Zonda). Raw and unadulterated wafts of anti-matter will course through my veins. My blood will be lava. My battery will run on hater jealousy. I will use a lightsaber because I can. Nukes will fire from my nether regions.

All fear NINJOR!
Imagine a cyborg human race. It’d mean that we’d look more awesome, be more badass, speak in permanent Auto-tune and wage the most awesome wars this Earth has ever seen.

NINJOR leading his mighty army of Samurai Cyborg Commando Trooper Ranger Ninjas.
 For these reasons, I support the cybernetic enhancement of all mankind. I believe that Blackberry shares my views and therefore I support them.

I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle.