Friday, June 1, 2012

Ninja Abridged is now a fashion blog. You are also gullible.

While the real me has been extremely busy over the last 6 months, my blogger persona has been monumentally lazy. The sort of material Ninja Abridged is world renowned for (and by “world renowned” I mean aprox. 4 people), takes too long to do on a regular basis given that I have 78 000 other things to write daily.

In light of that, this blog will now play host to more PC/Apple Mac viruses... I mean more short articles – the sort that you can read in one sitting to go hand-in-hand with the longer 3 pagers I admittedly enjoy writing. I’m doing this so that I can actually put out more material per month and keep NA running. I’m also doing it to tap into the blog-reading market-share that actually don’t like reading. You know the sort – they’re the kind that “read” attention-whore blogs... I mean fashion blogs.

Hence, the topic of this article.

"I will call my blog: DIARY OF AN AWESOME BITCH. That's so me."
I have a sincere hatred for fashion blogging and it burns with the infernal heat of depraved devil sex in a volcano. For a person (a female person, most likely) to feel so completely justified in bathing the un-presentable masses with her fashion advice – advice she’s completely unqualified to give, is quite frankly deplorable in my opinion.

When you think about it, all they’re selling us is their ability to wear clothes and their ability to be popular. THAT’S FUCKING IT. You think that their hordes and hordes of Facebook friends-turned-fans really give a crap about Smashbox’s (I know about Smashbox because fiancĂ©e) new line of toners? Honestly?

Worse still, many of these banshees aren’t even giving advice. They’re just basking in the attention they’re getting because of their silly photo shoots.

It’s all “Look at me, you ugly plebs. Look at how fucking awesome I am in this motherfucking boho shit. Don’t you think I’m so fabulously amazing? Don’t you think that my complete lack of originality is an inspiration? Love me now! ...Oh and you should totally buy this overtly expensive rag from my sponsor: The Stupid Bitch Emporium. I TOTALLY wore their crap before they gave it to me for free.”

Fashion accommodates the lucky. And by lucky I mean those of us blessed with lithe figures and good looks. I’ve no doubt that some fashion bloggers have SOME prose and SOME insight beyond the acts of turd-swilling performed by their heroes in their favourite industry. That I’ve yet to see evidence of prose or insight from these “bloggers” (“blogger” because “picture-uploader” isn’t a title yet) is irrelevant. I’m sure it exists somewhere.

They’re not qualified fashion designers. They’re not ex-Marie Claire editors that have broken bread with Kurt Geiger and Donatella Versace. Quite frankly, I doubt they could even get a job making socks for Pep stores.

In the same way that owning a nice camera isn’t testament to your ability as a photographer, your ability to walk into a boutique is testament to your dad’s wallet – not your taste as a fashionista/trend-setter. ALL fashion bloggers hail from derelict wastelands like Upper Constantia, Camps Bay, Fresnaye, Bishop’s Court and Clifton. It’s not so completely goddamn miraculous that people who come from money can afford to buy the designer clothes they see on E-Entertainment and FTV. No, the illusion of good taste can be bought.

Like the Premier League.
Furthermore, I have principles and chief among those principles, is to never be nice to mean girls. Even if their blogs were witty fare, executed with all the talent and ability of a best-selling author, I’d still say fuck ‘em because every fashion blog is run by every snooty, self-absorbed, whiny bitch I’ve ever met. As a proud geek, I’d sooner jump headfirst into a vat of Chuck Norris, than indulge the rotten whims of some heckling creature that feeds on the sycophancy of mentally challenged young men in order to stay young or whatever the fuck.

And I’m not “hating” as they’ll no-doubt say upon seeing this. There are many sponsored blogs out there (some of them fashion blogs) that completely and utterly deserve the recognition they get despite what we may think of them. That being said, I don’t covet their sponsors. I don’t covet their fans. And I definitely don’t covet their ability as writers.

Ninja Abridged WILL never be a marketable blog in the way that lifestyle/magazine blogs are. I accept that because I never designed it to be. I’m not going to lie to the few loyal readers I have because some obscure designer of spleen-shaped desk lamps bribed me to it. I want to be respected for my ability as a writer and my knack for choosing interesting subject matter and presenting it in a manner that is not only controversial but thought-provoking and memorable as well.

I do not want my credibility as a writer to be directly influenced by the fact that 2000 Facebook retards want to sleep with me.

 And fuck Vodacom. That is all.

I stole this from These Creases because Vodacom stole from me.